The Grace of Changing Directions
It started with a journal and some colour pencils
A warm welcome to all of the returning and new subscribers to What the Day Holds.
In this newsletter, I reflect on my experience of caring for myself as I care for my husband who has Parkinson's. I also write about how I walk through fear, grief and anxiety, and lean into joy and compassion along the way.
I hope my words inspire you to take care of yourself as you care for others!
“To say ‘yes‘ is to make a leap of faith, to risk oneself in a new and often scary relationship. Not being quite sure of what we are doing or where it will lead us.”
Patricia Ryan Madson
I named her Grace a few days after I drew her.
Sitting in my white chair in the living room, I opened my green leather-bound journal, reached for my well-used set of colour pencils and began. The first strokes were her hair, after which I drew her eyes, nose and mouth. The rest of the image quickly followed.
When I looked at her, I saw a little girl at peace, her soft open face full of joy and calm.
* * *
There’s something beautiful about surrender: Allowing ourselves to accept the way things are. Although it often comes after a struggle, and some deep reflection.
A few weeks ago, I applied for a position as an Education Assistant in my local school district, where I have worked as an independent facilitator and writing mentor for over 20 years.
My husband Gregory and I need the money to cover our expenses, which have grown with our move from the farm, his increased health needs and inflation. And although I have been trying to expand my business as a writing mentor, it hasn’t manifested the kind of steady income that we need yet.
As I contemplated taking the job, my body felt the resistance: Nausea, anger, despair and a heaving reluctance which showed up as a voice in my head forcefully intoning “Not me, I don’t want to do that. That’s not who I am.”
As a practitioner of Buddhist meditation, I often listen to dharma talks online. Some of my favourites (which I have shared in previous posts) are from meditation teacher Rob Burbea. In his talk called Freeing the Self, he seeks to clear up a misunderstanding we have about who we think we are. According to Rob, our beliefs, especially negative ones, tend to close down our perception of who we are.
Listen to how you talk to yourself. How many times a day do you say “I can’t do ______,” “I could never be _______” or “I would never have______.” You fill in the blanks.
Some beliefs I encountered about the new position:
~I have a PhD so I’m overqualified
~I am not a mother so I won’t be good at working with young kids.
~I won’t be able to handle the chaos and loud voices of the children.
~I will be overwhelmed by the work and won’t have enough energy left for caregiving Gregory.
Rob suggests we all have way more potential than we believe. By recognizing our limited perceptions, we can open to the infinite possibilities available.
So I took his advice and said yes to the new position.
During the first week, I discovered that all the beliefs I held were wrong. I was energized by being in a new environment, the children are quite magical, and though the effort was intense at times, being part of the school community was a nourishing counterpoint to being with Gregory.
Then, at the start of week two, more resistance showed up. This time I let the voice speak out loud:
~I don’t want to go back to work…
~I don’t want to have to listen to someone else…
~I don’t want to have to make boundaries…
~I don’t want to have to learn from my mistakes …
~I don’t want to be vulnerable…
~I don’t want to get hurt…
As I listened, I started to understand more deeply what was going on. I was face to face with fear: of not being able to speak my truth, having to do whatever others want, and of not being able to set appropriate boundaries. I saw that the lack of self-trust, was coming from having been hurt by people who were authority figures in my life.
As I acknowledged this, I started to cry. I turned to the hurt one inside and told her: “Oh dear one, it’s okay to cry. You were hurt. No wonder you feel afraid and want to avoid the job. No wonder you doubt your capacity to take care of yourself.”
After feeling deeply into the hurt, I questioned:
What do I have to do to feel comfortable moving forward?
How can I care for myself so that I feel safe to go to work?
Then I sat myself down on my meditation cushion and grounded. Thinking of the image of Grace I had drawn, I wondered if there was a meaning for Grace that was about forgiveness. I looked it up and sure enough, there was.
https://choosetoseegood.com/showing-grace-see-the-good-in-forgiveness/
That led me to some amazing realizations:
1- This is a moment to forgive those who have hurt me so I can move forward into a new story, and enter into the new relationships at work with an open mind and a kind, willing heart.
2- I cannot control everything. I will never be perfect. I just have to show up knowing that I will fall, but I will also rise.
By the end of week three, I felt such joy to be supporting children on their journey of learning and helping those who need the extra attention. As a child, I could have used a kind attention amidst the chaos and violence at home. If there had been an adult in the classroom to whom I could have spoken with, perhaps I might have been able to get support for a situation that was creating a lot of trauma, guilt and shame inside me.
I now have a chance to be that adult for a child, maybe several. What a gift and an invitation. What a way to heal!
* * *
As we bear witness to the suffering of children as well as women, elders and men in Palestine and Israel, Afghanistan and Pakistan, Ukraine, Central America and elsewhere, let us pray that we can awaken forgiveness in ourselves and others.
May all beings find grace and freedom from violence.
In what ways are you limiting your experience of life by the beliefs you hold?
What might happen if you challenge them and open to the possibilities?