Finding Peace from the Panic

Another Soulful Chat with Diana

A: This is a really difficult moment.

           D: I can feel it, Ahava. I am here to listen, to be with you.

A: Thanks Diana. Over the past 24 hours, my body has been feeling like I’m riding a jackhammer. We have a fruit fly infestation in the kitchen and it has been causing me panic. They are everywhere.

I read online that the first thing to do is deep clean the kitchen, and remove all the food left out. So our fridge is now filled with bowls of fresh figs and cherry tomatoes and all the bananas are deskinned and packed into bags in the freezer. Plus I sliced up all the bread that was on the counter and put that in bags in the freezer too!

My friend Karin told me what to do next: put some apple cider vinegar in a plastic container and then poke some holes in the lids, small ones so the flies can get in but not back out. Last night I did that, and then I cleaned the containers out after several hours and refilled them with more vinegar. I also filled some mason jars and covered them with plastic bags with little holes in them. The little red-eyed flies are gathering around the lids and bags, some of them are now flying around inside, and others are drowned in the cloudy copper liquid. Yet there are still many around the kitchen, perched on the rims of bowls, lined up on the edges of the pine cupboards and shelves.

D: Wow, Ahava, that’s a lot to deal with. It must feel good to get it done. So why the panic?

A: Gregory is not taking the lead on cleaning the infestation up. In the past he would have. But he is relinquishing it to me, and I am not used to dealing with these issues in the house. Or of the house. I don’t trust myself. I have a lot fear.

D: That’s understandable, Ahava.

A: Yeah, I guess so, but it feels good too. Gregory has other things going on: He’s on day four of the new medication he just started this week. We were hoping things would improve right away, and there have been subtle loosenings, but he had a difficult sleep. Sharp pains in his back that got him out of bed and doing his exercises in the living room at 2am.

Diana: Ouch, that sounds difficult for both of you. I honour you for stepping up, Ahava. It’s a shift in roles and you aren’t used to it. Way to go!

A: All this on top of the household chores I’d already checked off a couple of days before: Vacuuming the whole house, including the carpeted stairs to the basement, mopping the kitchen floor, washing the bed sheets as well as the mattre`ss cover which hadn't been cleaned in years. I also power washed and vacuumed the car in Victoria this week, after a meeting with my dad’s financial advisor and before a visit with him and his wife.

D: So this fruit fly infestation coming after those full days of chores and meetings would feel like a bit much.

A: Not to mention the rerouting of our entry to the house from the front door to the basement side door because when the carpenter came to repair our front stairs on Thursday he found rot in the deck. So a two-day simple stair rebuild has become a two week partial deck reconstruction.

D: Whoa, even more reason you would feel panic. It sounds overwhelming!

A: Thanks Diana. I wish I were being more kind to myself. Instead there has been much judgement slung plus my tummy has been sore and I have been having heartburn. I awoke twice last night mid-sleep with a rapid heartbeat, the night before too.

D: Oh dear Ahava. I feel you. I am sorry you are hurting. And I also see how things are shifting today.

A: Yes, they are, moment by moment.

D: How so?

A: When I saw this morning how much I was suffering, how the panic was contracting my body, and causing Gregory to be stressed too, which is definitely not good for him, I knew what I had to do. I put on a meditation talk by Rob Burbea, my beloved teacher, on Ending Blame, and listened to it, letting him remind me of what was possible for shifting how I was seeing my experience. Using lovingkindness and emptiness practice, he invited me to remember that there is no solid self, and rather than judging and blaming “myself” for what was happening, I could see it all as a web of conditions, including the inner conditions both present and past, and outer conditions, present and past.

D: This is fascinating, Ahava! In your last post you wrote about responding with kindness and compassion toward Gregory and how you bring a calm composure to him by practicing that kind attention with yourself. And isn’t that what you are doing here, by looking more closely at how you are viewing things so you can find a way to shift the perception and free yourself from the panic and anxiety you are feeling.

A: Yes. I have wanted to share this with the reader, but it feels complex and layered.

D: I think you are doing it Ahava, by sharing how you use the meditation to calm and release the panic and anxiety, both states I am sure many caregivers experience.

A: I sure do. I don’t want my readers to think that I am always calm. It’s so not true. I have all kinds of feelings throughout the day, from joy, peace and pleasure, to fear, anger and aversion. Sometimes they influence how I respond. Sometimes I can watch them with more mindfulness and let them come and go. After listening to this talk, and seeing how I had been blaming myself for the panic, I listened to one of my favourite of Rob’s talks called Play of Appearances. It is a guided meditation that transports the listener into a space of tenderness and allowing, so that whatever thoughts, sensations and feelings arise can be met and held with kindness and love.

D: This sounds healing Ahava.

A: It is Diana. I am crying now as I feel the relief from the panic in my body. I think about how much I have been touched by Rob and his teachings, as well as many other teachers and their offerings of the Buddha’s teachings. It has made a huge difference in my life, and with my mental health. I have struggled with self-hatred and judgement all my adult life, and am grateful for the ease and calm and self-kindness I find again and again.

D: Do you think others could benefit from these talks Ahava?

A: Yes, I do. Both of the talks I mention in this conversation are from a retreat on Metta and Emptiness recorded in 2011 at Gaia House, in Devon, England. They can listen to them here. Though some of the language may be unfamiliar, I believe they will receive much benefit from his soft voice and gentle instruction.

D: I know this is challenging for you, Ahava!

A: Actually, I love talking about my practice but I hesitate at times because I am not sure I can do it in a way that others will understand. Also, it’s vulnerable to admit to the panic and anxiety. Although it’s normal, natural. As Rob says, it’s “not a problem,” and we can learn how to bring a loving attention to them, so that we don’t blame ourselves but rather recognize the suffering and then choose a different view with which to see them and thus support ourselves to experience more freedom and ease.

D: Well said, Ahava. Thank you for trusting me with your experience. I am honoured to listen and witness you. Oh and one more thing. I love the photos of you here. Intriguing… how did you make them?

A: Thanks for asking! Amidst all the activity last week, I managed to take some time to dance and play in the living room. These images come from the videos I made and are part of a series I am working on devoted to the five archetypes of caregiving. My next post will be about them.

D: Oooh can’t wait!

Another way I found relief from the panic was writing this post and being in conversation with Diana. Her curiosity and compassion helped me to work through things too!

If you are a caregiver and find yourself often feeling anxious or panicked,

I invite you to join me for 

Tendher: A 3-month online guided journey to bring creative sanctuary to the stress of caregiving

 
As a caregiver in service to someone else, responsible for their schedule of meds, doctor’s appointments, meal plans, etc.. it can be challenging to take time for yourself.

This program creates a safe, nourishing space for you to take that time. A space where you can write and share your own feelings of panic and anxiety, and through practices like the ones I spoke of above, experience a feeling of calm and kindness and a sense of freedom and spaciousness.

In this space, you will be listened to, held and witnessed by others who are going through similar things, so you can breathe a sigh of relief, and feel a sense of belonging and normalcy.

During the 12 weeks of the program, you will also learn how to let yourself weave moments of kindness, nurture and replenishment into your days, supporting you to experience more moments of kind attention as a caregiver.

 Registration is open until September 14. To learn more and register, click here.

If you know of anyone who might be benefit from this post and/this program, please share this newsletter with them.

If you have your own story about panic and how you deal with it, I would love to hear from you!